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Manchester

• October 4th, 2006

I have a beautiful companion, he does not lie, cheat or attack me (well sometimes he will playfully bite me). I have grown to know him over this past year, his quirks, interests, food preferences, talents and his overall demeanour. He has a strong personality at certain times and in my humble assessment he has an uncanny ability to sleep comfortably with me and tolerate my erratic habits when in slumber. Quite simply, I love him.

Recently my organization has conducted a number of meetings on the subject of relationships, romance and sexuality with people who experience disabilities, family members and staff. It’s been such an insightful process and I have learned so much. I think the most profound insight has been as usual, from people with disabilities, their experiences with love or the lack there of has once again forced me to re think so many assumptions.

At one of the meetings I had a conversation with a woman who spoke about her mistrust of this thing called love. She explained in the past she had a boyfriend who had lied to her, cheated on her and ignored her and based on this one experience she felt love and companionship was just too painful and in general a discouraging thing to pursue. I talked at length about the lies and betrayal not being about her, in fact just the opposite, it was about her ex-boyfriend, but try as I may, she still suffered and at some level felt badly about herself. She told me she still loved him, which was the most startling aspect of her story.

I suppose upon reflection she is not that unusual, in fact maybe this is quite common. I’m not sure, but what I am sure of is when one finds they have landed in this most untenable position, then the only course of action is to take back your love, and fill your heart with forgiveness. So many people with disabilities do this as a matter of daily life. Living in the service world provides amble opportunities. Staff turnover, terminations, uninvolved families, broken promises and a system that is person centered in language only weaves a daily web of mistrust. Where does a more fertile ground exist for disappointment? I know of none, especially when false integrity is shouted and proclaimed at every question or criticism.

My cat Manchester knows nothing about these things; I wish I did not either.